Post by Mojave Gator on Dec 19, 2005 22:54:28 GMT -5
This is a post about a fictitious series of football training videos originally posted on the FireRonZook.com message board. All of it is based upon actual events - things Zook either did or said - while he was head coach at UF, and a couple of things that have happened since he went to Illinois. I wrote most of these myself, as therapy when things were going really badly in the program. Credit is given at the end of the post to others who contributed material in the same vein.
Be sure to check your favorite video vendor for these football training videos from America's favorite faux pas-meister, Ron Zook.
Learning More by Losing - Improve your players' mental skills by losing more often and in more creative ways. Learn how to turn certain victories into unbeatable educational opportunities for your players. Includes "Bubble Screens for Dummies" and "Prevent Defense - The Key to Something or Another". Learn how a three-man rush and loose zone coverage will totally bewilder a quarterback you have held in check for the entire game.
Offensive Predictability - Learn how to do things the opposition won't expect - like running the same handoff three times in a row, or running against a team who couldn't stop the pass if the future of humanity depended upon it. Baffle your opponents, amuse your fans...or is it the other way around? Contains play diagrams of four different bubble screens, five different off-tackle plays and four variations on that classic favorite, the shotgun draw.
Who Needs the Second Half? - Learn how to coast in the third and fourth quarters with less effort and none of those nasty in-game adjustments that tax your brain. Includes "Claiming Moral Victories at Halftime", and "Any Lead is Enough". Also check out "Reeling In Opponents From Ahead", which shows you how to make a game exciting for your fans no matter how big a lead you once had.
Mastering Post-Game Press Conferences - A must for any coach who has to deal with the news media. The phrase "If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullsh*t" describes this volume with incredible accuracy. Learn phrases and statements that will leave press, family and friends wondering just WTF you said or what it means. Contains "Innovative Irrelevance".
Creative Excuses - Learn how to explain away any situation, no matter how catastrophic, in a way that shows the progress you are clearly making even if no one else can see it. Contains "Thinking Before the Game - The Great Energy Drain".
Getting Better and Better - And so you are, after mastering the previous volumes in this great series. This very helpful volume will show you how to convince virtually anyone that your team is improving, regardless of your record. Learn how to counter previously irrefutable statistics with unverifiable subjective statements that are sure to amuse your critics.
Talent Squandering - Learn new and innovative ways to be a master recruiter, rake in as many five-star and four-star recruits as humanly possible, and then learn what it takes to make sure you get the absolute lowest amount of return from your dynamite squad. Soon, you too will be able to take a preseason top ten team into the glorious territory of the unranked. After all, those high expectations are such a drag, aren't they?
Who the F*** Are You?: Public Relations on Campus - Learn the persuasive value of such phrases as "We own this campus." Learn how, through the magic of profanity and threats of physical violence, to rule your campus and earn the respect and admiration of everyone in your realm. Includes "Threatening to Close Down the Fraternity of Your Stadium's Namesake". As Ron Zook would say, if you don't buy this video, "I'm not going to let you bring this f***ing team down."
The Buck Stops Elsewhere: Shirking Responsibility - Learn expressions that place all responsibility for any shortcomings on your players. Through Ron Zook's easy-to-learn mental conditioning techniques (any buffoon can learn them, "obviously"), you can avoid any expression that implies that your coaching was in any way responsible for any loss, or that it is your responsibility to prepare the team. Why take the heat yourself when there are so many other places to put it? Includes "Meddling in the Offense: Scapegoating Your Offensive Coordinator".
Motivation is Overrated - Leave the responsibility for turning the season around to the players, where it belongs! Why waste precious time preparing game plans or speeches that could turn around a season? Let the players do it! Make your job that much easier! Why get the same pay for doing more work? Use your time for more useful things, like calling friends to beg them to give you a job after you get canned.
Rex Was Open: The Art of Trick Plays - Shows you how to create plays that amaze everyone. Learn how to make your quarterback the primary receiver on a deep pass (or is that a long pass? I just don't know) when trying to come back in the closing seconds. Why bother your All American quarterback with the trivial matter of leading a comeback when a running back can throw the ball? Includes "Bubble Screens in Your Own End Zone: How to Avoid Safeties" and "Slow Developing Running Plays on Your Own One Yard Line".
Playing Down to Your Competition - Learn what it takes to be a master egg-layer. This video will give you all the insights and tips on how to travel to an opponent's stadium when you are favored by 25 points and still manage to eke out a loss. Don't let the fact that your team is several times as talented as the opponent get in your way. Includes "Mailing it in: Because This Game Doesn't Matter at All" and "The Art of Losing to a Team With a Loss to a Division I-AA Opponent." Snatch defeat from the jaws of victory!
Elevating Your Opponent - These foolproof techniques can keep any opponent in the game, no matter how overmatched they are or how far behind they may be. Talent edges are no obstacle with these simple strategies. Why bore your fans with lopsided victories when they can stay on the edges of their seats for games against South Central Eastern New Mexico State College for Sewage Workers? Learn how to triple the scoring of any opposing team to keep your players focused.
Mastering Defeat Against Mississippi and Florida Universities - Ron Zook explains how to overcome the difficult task of "learning" from Mississippi and Mississippi State. Learn how to blow a big lead in the Orange Bowl and how to surrender a 50-yard touchdown pass to Florida State, just when it appeared that your players would not learn anything from the game.
One Out of Three Ain't Bad - Learn how to defeat your biggest rivals - at least once in a while. Ron Zook explains how to maintain rivalries by not winning all the time. After all, it isn't a rivalry if you win them all.
The Importance of Fund Raising - Any head coach at a major college or university knows the value of generous boosters, and the need to keep them happy. The money may come in handy sometime. For instance, to reimburse the athletic departments of other schools for damaged turf, dismantled goalposts and other stadium damage after one of your team's educational excursions to their campuses. You may also need the cash to help pay your long distance telephone bills as you call friends to see who might have an opening on their staffs for someone to coach deep snappers or holders for place kicks. After all, you can't have too many irons in the fire in this business, can you? Some of them may also own businesses that could be helpful to you down the line, such as nationwide movers and job search services.
Raising the Dead: Renewing Old Rivalries - Inject new life into long-dead rivalries by showing any opponent that victory is possible. There is no winning streak or talent advantage that cannot be overcome using these simple methods. Learn how to identify strengths even in teams who appear not to have any, play right into them and make the game close. Are your fans focusing too much on games with bigger rivals? No problem. Show them that any game can be exciting, no matter how weak the opposition. Add suspense that has long been missing from games with so-called "cupcake" opponents. This exciting video shows you how to make any opponent competitive, and add new excitement to both your campus and your opponent's.
Run Defense: How to Apply Pressure to a Team's Running Game in the Fourth Quarter - Tricks to apply pressure to the outside while opponent is running in the middle. Tips to spread the D-line out in attempts to not clog the line of scrimmage. Tips how to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. Bonus video - Bubble Screens in Your Own End Zone.
Mastering the Two-Point Conversion - In this video coach Zook will show you the chart that head coaches use to determine when to "go for two". You'll need to recognize this chart so that you can ignore it, especially in the early stages of the game when botched two-point attempts are sure to come back and haunt you later. The epilogue explains how take to take calls on your coach's show and deflect the question. You'll learn key phrases like "If they aren't going to defend it..." Never mind the fact that your team team didn't convert it.
Selective Statistics - Learn how to defend your record against all who doubt you by culling only the things that cast your team in a positive light. Winless season? No problem. Refute your critics with indisputable facts, like "We lead the league in converting third-and-four in the last three minutes of the third quarter." Fired? No problem. You can make the people who canned you feel guilty by finding that one statistic you "lead the league" in, no matter how many games you have lost to teams with less talent. Also learn how to impress prospective future employers with these stats, showing them that you really were "getting better and better" (see cross-reference with the volume of the same name), and your current school just couldn't see it.
Sideline Discipline - The most important aspect of in-game coaching. In this video Coach Zook explains his techniques for keeping the players one yard away from the sideline so as to avoid stupid sideline penalties. You'll learn to yell "Get back!" from your diaphragm so that everyone can hear. You'll learn to detect the TV camera so that you can show the country how well you perform this fundamental aspect of coaching. Never mind the game on the field, it's the sideline that counts.
Halftime Interviews - Coach Zook explains how to say everything and yet nothing at all. After all, you need to get in that locker room quick to do your bench press and squats. You'll leave sideline reporters as well as the viewing public puzzled.
How to Store Your Only Suit - In this video coach Zook will teach you how to store your "Sunday best" in a cedar lined trunk with moth balls. It will protect the fabric to ensure that it's ready to go when you next need it. Coach Zook will also show you the secret of changing the color of the shirt and tie combo that will give you that "new" look you need to impress potential employers.
Filling Out Your Staff - Ron Zook shows you foolproof ways to replace assistant coaches who bail out right after you hire them just because they believe that they might get more money or a better opportunity, or that they might find a job under a head coach who won't set their careers back five years. Learn to inspire confidence in your followers by assuring them that the coaches you sign to replace them will be at least as good, and that coaches are lined up to take jobs with your program. When this doesn't happen, Ron Zook shows you how to explain it away by saying that you don't need a full staff until spring practice anyway.
Rugby Punt: The Ultimate Weapon - Ron Zook shows you how to gain big advantages on your opponents by giving up the ball on second or third down 20 yards from where you have it now. Why wait until fourth down and pin your opponent back inside their own 20 when you can fool them into taking the ball in your end of the field? They won't be expecting it! Contains "Undetectable Fake Punt Formations".
Express shipping is available, and if you order now, you also get the exciting video game "Ron Zook's Fraternity Showdown" free. Start your offensive at your choice of any house on Fraternity Row. Different play modes let you challenge every fraternity on campus one at a time or in any combinations you choose, until you shut them all down! Choose from the entire roster of UF players, coaches, deans and athletic department officials to create an almost endless variety of game scenarios. To add even more variety, cancel practice to allow for more players to join your strike force. You can choose from the provided list of threats and profane statements, or the Advanced Mode lets you create and add your own. Defeat the mighty Pi Kappa Phi house at the end of your quest to shut down the Row and win the game!
All of the above are original creations. I wrote most of them myself, but I would like to also acknowledge the following contributors: MilwaukeeGator, "Talent Squandering" and "Playing Down to Your Competition"; GatorFan4Life, "Run Defense"; FRZFishfan, "Mastering the Two-Point Conversion", "Sideline Discipline", "Halftime Interviews" and "How to Store Your Only Suit".
Be sure to check your favorite video vendor for these football training videos from America's favorite faux pas-meister, Ron Zook.
Learning More by Losing - Improve your players' mental skills by losing more often and in more creative ways. Learn how to turn certain victories into unbeatable educational opportunities for your players. Includes "Bubble Screens for Dummies" and "Prevent Defense - The Key to Something or Another". Learn how a three-man rush and loose zone coverage will totally bewilder a quarterback you have held in check for the entire game.
Offensive Predictability - Learn how to do things the opposition won't expect - like running the same handoff three times in a row, or running against a team who couldn't stop the pass if the future of humanity depended upon it. Baffle your opponents, amuse your fans...or is it the other way around? Contains play diagrams of four different bubble screens, five different off-tackle plays and four variations on that classic favorite, the shotgun draw.
Who Needs the Second Half? - Learn how to coast in the third and fourth quarters with less effort and none of those nasty in-game adjustments that tax your brain. Includes "Claiming Moral Victories at Halftime", and "Any Lead is Enough". Also check out "Reeling In Opponents From Ahead", which shows you how to make a game exciting for your fans no matter how big a lead you once had.
Mastering Post-Game Press Conferences - A must for any coach who has to deal with the news media. The phrase "If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullsh*t" describes this volume with incredible accuracy. Learn phrases and statements that will leave press, family and friends wondering just WTF you said or what it means. Contains "Innovative Irrelevance".
Creative Excuses - Learn how to explain away any situation, no matter how catastrophic, in a way that shows the progress you are clearly making even if no one else can see it. Contains "Thinking Before the Game - The Great Energy Drain".
Getting Better and Better - And so you are, after mastering the previous volumes in this great series. This very helpful volume will show you how to convince virtually anyone that your team is improving, regardless of your record. Learn how to counter previously irrefutable statistics with unverifiable subjective statements that are sure to amuse your critics.
Talent Squandering - Learn new and innovative ways to be a master recruiter, rake in as many five-star and four-star recruits as humanly possible, and then learn what it takes to make sure you get the absolute lowest amount of return from your dynamite squad. Soon, you too will be able to take a preseason top ten team into the glorious territory of the unranked. After all, those high expectations are such a drag, aren't they?
Who the F*** Are You?: Public Relations on Campus - Learn the persuasive value of such phrases as "We own this campus." Learn how, through the magic of profanity and threats of physical violence, to rule your campus and earn the respect and admiration of everyone in your realm. Includes "Threatening to Close Down the Fraternity of Your Stadium's Namesake". As Ron Zook would say, if you don't buy this video, "I'm not going to let you bring this f***ing team down."
The Buck Stops Elsewhere: Shirking Responsibility - Learn expressions that place all responsibility for any shortcomings on your players. Through Ron Zook's easy-to-learn mental conditioning techniques (any buffoon can learn them, "obviously"), you can avoid any expression that implies that your coaching was in any way responsible for any loss, or that it is your responsibility to prepare the team. Why take the heat yourself when there are so many other places to put it? Includes "Meddling in the Offense: Scapegoating Your Offensive Coordinator".
Motivation is Overrated - Leave the responsibility for turning the season around to the players, where it belongs! Why waste precious time preparing game plans or speeches that could turn around a season? Let the players do it! Make your job that much easier! Why get the same pay for doing more work? Use your time for more useful things, like calling friends to beg them to give you a job after you get canned.
Rex Was Open: The Art of Trick Plays - Shows you how to create plays that amaze everyone. Learn how to make your quarterback the primary receiver on a deep pass (or is that a long pass? I just don't know) when trying to come back in the closing seconds. Why bother your All American quarterback with the trivial matter of leading a comeback when a running back can throw the ball? Includes "Bubble Screens in Your Own End Zone: How to Avoid Safeties" and "Slow Developing Running Plays on Your Own One Yard Line".
Playing Down to Your Competition - Learn what it takes to be a master egg-layer. This video will give you all the insights and tips on how to travel to an opponent's stadium when you are favored by 25 points and still manage to eke out a loss. Don't let the fact that your team is several times as talented as the opponent get in your way. Includes "Mailing it in: Because This Game Doesn't Matter at All" and "The Art of Losing to a Team With a Loss to a Division I-AA Opponent." Snatch defeat from the jaws of victory!
Elevating Your Opponent - These foolproof techniques can keep any opponent in the game, no matter how overmatched they are or how far behind they may be. Talent edges are no obstacle with these simple strategies. Why bore your fans with lopsided victories when they can stay on the edges of their seats for games against South Central Eastern New Mexico State College for Sewage Workers? Learn how to triple the scoring of any opposing team to keep your players focused.
Mastering Defeat Against Mississippi and Florida Universities - Ron Zook explains how to overcome the difficult task of "learning" from Mississippi and Mississippi State. Learn how to blow a big lead in the Orange Bowl and how to surrender a 50-yard touchdown pass to Florida State, just when it appeared that your players would not learn anything from the game.
One Out of Three Ain't Bad - Learn how to defeat your biggest rivals - at least once in a while. Ron Zook explains how to maintain rivalries by not winning all the time. After all, it isn't a rivalry if you win them all.
The Importance of Fund Raising - Any head coach at a major college or university knows the value of generous boosters, and the need to keep them happy. The money may come in handy sometime. For instance, to reimburse the athletic departments of other schools for damaged turf, dismantled goalposts and other stadium damage after one of your team's educational excursions to their campuses. You may also need the cash to help pay your long distance telephone bills as you call friends to see who might have an opening on their staffs for someone to coach deep snappers or holders for place kicks. After all, you can't have too many irons in the fire in this business, can you? Some of them may also own businesses that could be helpful to you down the line, such as nationwide movers and job search services.
Raising the Dead: Renewing Old Rivalries - Inject new life into long-dead rivalries by showing any opponent that victory is possible. There is no winning streak or talent advantage that cannot be overcome using these simple methods. Learn how to identify strengths even in teams who appear not to have any, play right into them and make the game close. Are your fans focusing too much on games with bigger rivals? No problem. Show them that any game can be exciting, no matter how weak the opposition. Add suspense that has long been missing from games with so-called "cupcake" opponents. This exciting video shows you how to make any opponent competitive, and add new excitement to both your campus and your opponent's.
Run Defense: How to Apply Pressure to a Team's Running Game in the Fourth Quarter - Tricks to apply pressure to the outside while opponent is running in the middle. Tips to spread the D-line out in attempts to not clog the line of scrimmage. Tips how to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. Bonus video - Bubble Screens in Your Own End Zone.
Mastering the Two-Point Conversion - In this video coach Zook will show you the chart that head coaches use to determine when to "go for two". You'll need to recognize this chart so that you can ignore it, especially in the early stages of the game when botched two-point attempts are sure to come back and haunt you later. The epilogue explains how take to take calls on your coach's show and deflect the question. You'll learn key phrases like "If they aren't going to defend it..." Never mind the fact that your team team didn't convert it.
Selective Statistics - Learn how to defend your record against all who doubt you by culling only the things that cast your team in a positive light. Winless season? No problem. Refute your critics with indisputable facts, like "We lead the league in converting third-and-four in the last three minutes of the third quarter." Fired? No problem. You can make the people who canned you feel guilty by finding that one statistic you "lead the league" in, no matter how many games you have lost to teams with less talent. Also learn how to impress prospective future employers with these stats, showing them that you really were "getting better and better" (see cross-reference with the volume of the same name), and your current school just couldn't see it.
Sideline Discipline - The most important aspect of in-game coaching. In this video Coach Zook explains his techniques for keeping the players one yard away from the sideline so as to avoid stupid sideline penalties. You'll learn to yell "Get back!" from your diaphragm so that everyone can hear. You'll learn to detect the TV camera so that you can show the country how well you perform this fundamental aspect of coaching. Never mind the game on the field, it's the sideline that counts.
Halftime Interviews - Coach Zook explains how to say everything and yet nothing at all. After all, you need to get in that locker room quick to do your bench press and squats. You'll leave sideline reporters as well as the viewing public puzzled.
How to Store Your Only Suit - In this video coach Zook will teach you how to store your "Sunday best" in a cedar lined trunk with moth balls. It will protect the fabric to ensure that it's ready to go when you next need it. Coach Zook will also show you the secret of changing the color of the shirt and tie combo that will give you that "new" look you need to impress potential employers.
Filling Out Your Staff - Ron Zook shows you foolproof ways to replace assistant coaches who bail out right after you hire them just because they believe that they might get more money or a better opportunity, or that they might find a job under a head coach who won't set their careers back five years. Learn to inspire confidence in your followers by assuring them that the coaches you sign to replace them will be at least as good, and that coaches are lined up to take jobs with your program. When this doesn't happen, Ron Zook shows you how to explain it away by saying that you don't need a full staff until spring practice anyway.
Rugby Punt: The Ultimate Weapon - Ron Zook shows you how to gain big advantages on your opponents by giving up the ball on second or third down 20 yards from where you have it now. Why wait until fourth down and pin your opponent back inside their own 20 when you can fool them into taking the ball in your end of the field? They won't be expecting it! Contains "Undetectable Fake Punt Formations".
Express shipping is available, and if you order now, you also get the exciting video game "Ron Zook's Fraternity Showdown" free. Start your offensive at your choice of any house on Fraternity Row. Different play modes let you challenge every fraternity on campus one at a time or in any combinations you choose, until you shut them all down! Choose from the entire roster of UF players, coaches, deans and athletic department officials to create an almost endless variety of game scenarios. To add even more variety, cancel practice to allow for more players to join your strike force. You can choose from the provided list of threats and profane statements, or the Advanced Mode lets you create and add your own. Defeat the mighty Pi Kappa Phi house at the end of your quest to shut down the Row and win the game!
All of the above are original creations. I wrote most of them myself, but I would like to also acknowledge the following contributors: MilwaukeeGator, "Talent Squandering" and "Playing Down to Your Competition"; GatorFan4Life, "Run Defense"; FRZFishfan, "Mastering the Two-Point Conversion", "Sideline Discipline", "Halftime Interviews" and "How to Store Your Only Suit".